Tell the truth, I'm kind of cranky today. Asthma is kicking my butt, the allergies aren't helping either. I kind of feel like that kid in school everyone took the long way around...and dammit that was so unfair! I think nobody would choose to have asthma or allergies. Not that that kid was me, I wasn't diagnosed with either until I was an adult. How fun! I have eczema behind my ears, I'm wheezing, sneezing, itching and croaking. I am a joy to behold and be around.
I feel guilty for feeling cranky. I feel guilty for not being at my best. I don't have the attention everyone needs, I can't be "on" for them. It's not their fault I don't feel well. Since they were old enough to understand, I've tried to let the kids know when I'm not having the best day. Sometimes I'm not going to be able to give my all and be uber aware of everything like I normally try to be. Sometimes I am only capable of sitting like a lump in the comfy chair. Staring into space. Like a creepy zombie. This persona has her own identity. She is...The Craw-Mama. Not exactly crabby, not exactly Mama, some mutant species in between. My rally cry is "Craw! Craw" and I have pincers instead of arms because I may not quite be able to give my all and sometimes some things slip through.
Oddly though, being Craw-Mama doesn't make me as cranky as being plain old sick Mama. Maybe being so silly about it all makes me put it into perspective. I don't have to be perfect today and that's okay too.
I guess I need to take that attitude out every day, huh? Craw-Mama the imperfect she-ro, thank you for teaching me a very important lesson!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
A letter to my brother...
Hey Bro' ....
Yup, yup, gotta remember the good times but also for the future of the kids gotta *create* the good and better. That means identifying the bad things and staying away from them and becoming better people ourselves. The saddest thing to me is seeing people who are just knee-jerking what was done to them and taught to them and not thinking about what life could be. Taking everything for granted and giving ugly things a pass because "that's just the way they are". It's great to make the best of bad situations but it will stagnate your life, you gotta go above and beyond and create a better world.
I'm grateful that I was able to make the best out of a lot of crappy situations throughout my 42 years but also more thankful that I could figure out how to make my situation better and the world better by my actions and thoughts. Endurance is an excellent quality but gotta have balance. We may be shells and dust but we are also water...too much dust and we become shriveled up shrunken head people, too much water and we drown. Knowing the balance between when to endure and make a situation better and knowing when to make life better is a good balance. Like with you and your ex - you guys were together for a long time but eventually you both decided that you could either continue to endure a situation or make a change that would hopefully make better lives for both of you. I'm so thankful that I have all the happy memories when Dad was alive but even happier that I am creating even more good times with my kids. If Dad had made the best out of crappy situations he never would have left Cleveland and seen all the world had to offer and neither of us would be here. Because Dad saw the good things from his childhood with grandpa and then our aunt but also the bad, he made a better life for us. I'm very thankful for that.
It is vital to focus on the good times and make sure those memories stay alive but we have to make the bad times history by making the future better. It's like telling Elie Wiesel that he's a real downer because he has talked about what he went through at Auschwitz and Buchenwald and worked endlessly for awareness of the holocaust. He surely had one or two "good" or bearable times in those years and they may be what kept him going but what really keeps him going is doing everything possible to change the future.
One of his quotes is pretty much my life philosophy:
"Once you bring life into the world, you must protect it. We must protect it by changing the world."
He also said: "I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."
I think that's a pretty awesome philosophy to embrace. Thankfully I never had to endure the concentration camps. But that doesn't make abuse and poor parenting a good thing. Bad times hurt but being able to process them healthily means identifying why they hurt and if they were harmful. If the bad times were caused by actions of another or yourself that cause harm, the only way to move forward is to change the actions and thoughts associated with it. That means we humans are pretty powerful if we just get off our butts!
Another Elie Wiesel gem: "Mankind must remember that peace is not God's gift to his creatures; peace is our gift to each other". So yeah, I'm a realist and won't pretend that things are happy and great when they weren't or aren't but that's the only way to change things and make a better world. I know my world is a million times better than most people I meet because I can choose it to be and I don't accept things if they are harmful. Too many people were powerless children who feel like they are powerless adults. To cover that up and pretend they aren't they over-act with "power" they think they have. They are mean, selfish and abusive. Too bad for them because really life is amazing, wonderful and beautiful.
Another Elie Wiesel gem: "Mankind must remember that peace is not God's gift to his creatures; peace is our gift to each other". So yeah, I'm a realist and won't pretend that things are happy and great when they weren't or aren't but that's the only way to change things and make a better world. I know my world is a million times better than most people I meet because I can choose it to be and I don't accept things if they are harmful. Too many people were powerless children who feel like they are powerless adults. To cover that up and pretend they aren't they over-act with "power" they think they have. They are mean, selfish and abusive. Too bad for them because really life is amazing, wonderful and beautiful.
If I am overwhelmed with joy at one thing every day it is that I raised my kids to understand this and they do so much more than I ever imagined a human can do. My kids are the most amazing people that I have ever met, they are fascinated and interested in life yet have no problem looking at the sick and ugly and saying "that's gotta change". They don't pretend it's not happening, they don't look away and ignore it. They are not indifferent. They are action-oriented people who realise that each of our decisions throughout the day is a choice. They are so wise it awes me. All because I decided that the world could be a little different. I didn't do this, I could never have accomplished that on my own. It is simply because I was willing to identify the harmful and tell it to take a hike while embracing all of the good things that were part of my life. Utterly amazing.
As I said before, that thinking thing doesn't seem to be really big among the general population. I feel sorry for them because life is soooo cool!
Love to both of you ~~ Sis
Looking back so I can move forward...
I think part of the problem I have with becoming The Whole Me is that to become someone I should be rather than the person I was conditioned to be means rocking some worlds. I'm too damn diplomatic for my own good. I don't like to hurt anyone else's feelings because I don't like my feelings hurt. Bad philosophy? Probably. I need to learn the balance between standing up for me and if what I am saying is actually harmful to another. I'm working on that.
I have been estranged from my family of origin for years, I'm still estranged from my stepmother because she is emotionally ill and refuses to seek help for her illness. Finally I realised that it wasn't being kind to endure her abuse and my kids were getting to the age where they were starting to understand and be scared by her words and actions. I understood that if I wanted to raise healthy kids it wasn't wise to have her around them. And that while I had made a lot of changes in my life and philosophy to get away from most of the ick in my childhood that the only way I could fully look at me and make some lasting changes is by not having The Anti-Mom constantly telling me what and who I was.
I tried explaining this to her, I asked her for respect, space and understanding. She didn't see things the same way I did. I asked her that I had some beliefs I would be thankful if she would, even if she didn't believe them to at least allow that I did believe them. She didn't like that either. At the same time that I was struggling with trying to be my own entity without hurting her feelings, I was made aware by medical personnel and one of her friends, that her behaviour wasn't "normal". That perhaps she had something a little more serious than sheer stubbornness. And that something looked like schizophrenia with possibly a large dose of narcissism thrown in. She needed help and covering up for her and "dealing with it just because she's Mom" wasn't going to be in her benefit. Up to this point, it obviously hadn't been in my interest!
The problem with a mentally ill parent is that children can't initiate treatment, it has to be something the parent chooses. Obviously, she thinks she is perfectly normal and everyone else is screwed up. What options did I have? The only obvious one was giving myself more space than I had previously given myself. I am fully convinced that there are no coincidences in life.
The Anti-Mom has a habit of making her life progressively worse and then "running" when she can't take it anymore. On average, she moves house every year to two years. Sometimes she moves within the same city or state, sometimes to a different state; she tends to go to cities/states she has lived before. She moves because she has altercations with those around her. Mostly she moves because someone else "is after her". Once it was the neighbour's wife, another time the landlady, the most recent time that prompted her moving back home with my husband and I was because her neighbour was "mentally unbalanced" and she was so afraid for her life she stayed up all night and slept during the day with tin cans under her pillow so she could throw them at the neighbour if she decided to break through her door. Months after I had driven four hours to collect her and her belongings she informed me that it wasn't necessary at all. She simply would have asked the landlady to stay at another of her rentals. A very different story than the one she told us that led to the four-hour drive to collect her. She was afraid for her life, she was concerned to leave her apartment, she wasn't sleeping but a few hours each day in fear.
She decided it was time to move again. And I decided that this was as good an opportunity as not to make the changes I wanted to without her in such close proximity. After being her caretaker for so long...it started when I was around 14 until the time she left...my older brother has now become her spokesman. His experience with her is very different from mine. She raised him from the time he was two and by the time our father died he was sixteen and very independent. His life was mostly charmed as our father was a devoted and protective parent. When he died, I was nine and my brother sixteen. The rest of my childhood was hell, now I know that The Anti-Mom's mental illness was possibly a large factor in all of that but it doesn't change the fact that I lived through harmful experiences because of her choices.
My brother thinks I'm over-reacting and unfair to "Mom" because he was not a part of my life after my father's death. "Mom" kicked him out of the house less than a year after our father's death because she wanted to move in with her boyfriend and he didn't want the hassle of a teenage boy as well as a bratty kid. I saw my brother a handful of times throughout the year, usually at holiday gatherings hosted by The Anti-Mom's family.
Sometimes I write to my brother, usually when he tries to tell me to "lighten up and not be so hard on 'Mom'". He tries to tell me that "Mom" had a rough childhood and that we need to understand she's been "kicked all her life". He thinks I haven't told her that I love her.
Sometimes when I write to my brother, it helps me to understand where I've been and that I'm actually making progress. Most of the time I just think I suck and am spinning in the same circles. Sometimes I feel that way when I write him because he still sees me as the person I was supposed to be because "Mom" had roles for us all...Brother is the Useless Troublemaker, I am the Spoiled Baby Princess and she is the Misunderstood Martyr Queen. Are we these people? I hope not...maybe we are. That's all part of what I'm trying to understand on my journey to becoming whole.
I have been estranged from my family of origin for years, I'm still estranged from my stepmother because she is emotionally ill and refuses to seek help for her illness. Finally I realised that it wasn't being kind to endure her abuse and my kids were getting to the age where they were starting to understand and be scared by her words and actions. I understood that if I wanted to raise healthy kids it wasn't wise to have her around them. And that while I had made a lot of changes in my life and philosophy to get away from most of the ick in my childhood that the only way I could fully look at me and make some lasting changes is by not having The Anti-Mom constantly telling me what and who I was.
I tried explaining this to her, I asked her for respect, space and understanding. She didn't see things the same way I did. I asked her that I had some beliefs I would be thankful if she would, even if she didn't believe them to at least allow that I did believe them. She didn't like that either. At the same time that I was struggling with trying to be my own entity without hurting her feelings, I was made aware by medical personnel and one of her friends, that her behaviour wasn't "normal". That perhaps she had something a little more serious than sheer stubbornness. And that something looked like schizophrenia with possibly a large dose of narcissism thrown in. She needed help and covering up for her and "dealing with it just because she's Mom" wasn't going to be in her benefit. Up to this point, it obviously hadn't been in my interest!
The problem with a mentally ill parent is that children can't initiate treatment, it has to be something the parent chooses. Obviously, she thinks she is perfectly normal and everyone else is screwed up. What options did I have? The only obvious one was giving myself more space than I had previously given myself. I am fully convinced that there are no coincidences in life.
The Anti-Mom has a habit of making her life progressively worse and then "running" when she can't take it anymore. On average, she moves house every year to two years. Sometimes she moves within the same city or state, sometimes to a different state; she tends to go to cities/states she has lived before. She moves because she has altercations with those around her. Mostly she moves because someone else "is after her". Once it was the neighbour's wife, another time the landlady, the most recent time that prompted her moving back home with my husband and I was because her neighbour was "mentally unbalanced" and she was so afraid for her life she stayed up all night and slept during the day with tin cans under her pillow so she could throw them at the neighbour if she decided to break through her door. Months after I had driven four hours to collect her and her belongings she informed me that it wasn't necessary at all. She simply would have asked the landlady to stay at another of her rentals. A very different story than the one she told us that led to the four-hour drive to collect her. She was afraid for her life, she was concerned to leave her apartment, she wasn't sleeping but a few hours each day in fear.
She decided it was time to move again. And I decided that this was as good an opportunity as not to make the changes I wanted to without her in such close proximity. After being her caretaker for so long...it started when I was around 14 until the time she left...my older brother has now become her spokesman. His experience with her is very different from mine. She raised him from the time he was two and by the time our father died he was sixteen and very independent. His life was mostly charmed as our father was a devoted and protective parent. When he died, I was nine and my brother sixteen. The rest of my childhood was hell, now I know that The Anti-Mom's mental illness was possibly a large factor in all of that but it doesn't change the fact that I lived through harmful experiences because of her choices.
My brother thinks I'm over-reacting and unfair to "Mom" because he was not a part of my life after my father's death. "Mom" kicked him out of the house less than a year after our father's death because she wanted to move in with her boyfriend and he didn't want the hassle of a teenage boy as well as a bratty kid. I saw my brother a handful of times throughout the year, usually at holiday gatherings hosted by The Anti-Mom's family.
Sometimes I write to my brother, usually when he tries to tell me to "lighten up and not be so hard on 'Mom'". He tries to tell me that "Mom" had a rough childhood and that we need to understand she's been "kicked all her life". He thinks I haven't told her that I love her.
Sometimes when I write to my brother, it helps me to understand where I've been and that I'm actually making progress. Most of the time I just think I suck and am spinning in the same circles. Sometimes I feel that way when I write him because he still sees me as the person I was supposed to be because "Mom" had roles for us all...Brother is the Useless Troublemaker, I am the Spoiled Baby Princess and she is the Misunderstood Martyr Queen. Are we these people? I hope not...maybe we are. That's all part of what I'm trying to understand on my journey to becoming whole.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
~Veganism~
One of the biggest misconceptions about the United States is the concept of "freedom". People have moved here from around the world in search of freedom but really, what "freedom" means sometimes is the freedom to fight others' prejudices about you or your choices. Putting aside the picky arguers who argue that nobody should be free to commit murder or do a bazillion other similar things, it's simply not true that there is freedom to be yourself. If, what you want to do goes with the common stream, there will certainly be fewer problems. For instance, if you want to be a christian, eat beef, shop at Wal-Mart or marry in a heterosexual union, you probably won't encounter a lot of friction from others in reaching those dreams.
But what if freedom means not eating meat at all? Well, there are always veggies at the store, that's true. Nothing getting in the way of not eating meat from that aspect. But what about freedom from the probing by the people in your life? I've never been at a family gathering where everyone gangs up on Aunt Mildred and interrogates her why she's not eating the roast chicken. What kind of freak wouldn't eat that chicken, after all? And why doesn't Uncle Herb eat even a teensy bite of the lovely mashed potatoes? Sometimes exercising freedom means being strong enough to know why you're doing something. And being even stronger when others don't accept your answer.
I'm a vegan because I hate death. It's that simple. Anything I can do to not contribute to needless death I will do. For me, particularly, I've seen that animals aside from humans have feelings and thoughts...at times I'm convinced that non-human animals are actually more sentient and true than human animals who often don't know their own minds and feelings. So I have the freedom to not eat meat or animal products. And I have the freedom to fight or debate when people don't like what I choose or don't respect my choice. If they don't understand, won't understand or purposely choose to make my life more difficult, that's all part of the journey. In the 27 years I've been a vegetarian -> vegan I've been thankful to see that along the journey, I've not remained stunted, I've grown, I've changed for the better. That's also worth fighting for.
But what if freedom means not eating meat at all? Well, there are always veggies at the store, that's true. Nothing getting in the way of not eating meat from that aspect. But what about freedom from the probing by the people in your life? I've never been at a family gathering where everyone gangs up on Aunt Mildred and interrogates her why she's not eating the roast chicken. What kind of freak wouldn't eat that chicken, after all? And why doesn't Uncle Herb eat even a teensy bite of the lovely mashed potatoes? Sometimes exercising freedom means being strong enough to know why you're doing something. And being even stronger when others don't accept your answer.
I'm a vegan because I hate death. It's that simple. Anything I can do to not contribute to needless death I will do. For me, particularly, I've seen that animals aside from humans have feelings and thoughts...at times I'm convinced that non-human animals are actually more sentient and true than human animals who often don't know their own minds and feelings. So I have the freedom to not eat meat or animal products. And I have the freedom to fight or debate when people don't like what I choose or don't respect my choice. If they don't understand, won't understand or purposely choose to make my life more difficult, that's all part of the journey. In the 27 years I've been a vegetarian -> vegan I've been thankful to see that along the journey, I've not remained stunted, I've grown, I've changed for the better. That's also worth fighting for.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wholistic ~ my mission
Wholistic is my goal. Wholistic is me. Too many people live their lives in a succession of tiny boxes, none of which allow a body to breathe. We're expected to define and describe ourselves in sound-bites, an easy handle for someone else to pick us up and throw into a pile. A pile that we haven't had a say in labeling. "Woman", "Fat", "Scrawny", "Ugly", "Airhead", "Troublemaker", "Feminist". Just to start. I don't want to live my life in someone else's pile anymore. I want to become fully me. The me I was meant to be. I want to be the me that tries, that fails, that gets up and tries some more. I want to be imperfect, and even if I'm imperfect I still am.
I know, I've read that we're all looking for our clans, our tribes. I would like to belong too. Sometimes. More often than not I just want to be the unfractured me with all my imperfections, the good things and the bad, the person who is constantly learning, living, trying and becoming. I'm not today who I was yesterday. I don't intend to be the same person tomorrow. I am impacted by my life experiences, but I can let them become a greater me rather than hold me down.
That sounds like a lot of work, a lot of effort. It gets tiring some days. There isn't always a lot of support, not from family, not from friends, not from community. But oddly, it's too tiring trying to move from tiny box to tiny box. I'm exhausted. I don't want to live by another's label anymore, I want to define me and who I really am. Trial and error, success and falling, learning, studying, becoming...being.
I know, I've read that we're all looking for our clans, our tribes. I would like to belong too. Sometimes. More often than not I just want to be the unfractured me with all my imperfections, the good things and the bad, the person who is constantly learning, living, trying and becoming. I'm not today who I was yesterday. I don't intend to be the same person tomorrow. I am impacted by my life experiences, but I can let them become a greater me rather than hold me down.
That sounds like a lot of work, a lot of effort. It gets tiring some days. There isn't always a lot of support, not from family, not from friends, not from community. But oddly, it's too tiring trying to move from tiny box to tiny box. I'm exhausted. I don't want to live by another's label anymore, I want to define me and who I really am. Trial and error, success and falling, learning, studying, becoming...being.
Ta-dah, My Parenting Manifesto
Priorities are chosen by the amount of time you spend on each thing
Don't judge anyone by his/her age
Always be willing to explain choices
Believe
Inspire by example
Be authentic
Live life for real
No abuse ~ verbal, physical, emotional
Peace in all interactions
Be respectful
Be compassionate
Understand that hopes, dreams & goals live within us all
Always listen with an open heart & mind
Accept that there aren't always “do-overs”
Limit multi-tasking
Be honest about mistakes, stupid choices & crabby times
Never be too proud to apologize
Always make the time
Laugh. A lot. Every day if possible. Hopefully many times a day.
Seek wisdom every day in every thing
Limit “no” to life-or-death emergencies
Forget phobias & childhood scares and LIVE
Love as purely as children love (look around the faults)
Keep eyes, mind & heart open for new experiences & adventures
Don't be swayed by others' disapproval, prejudices or ignorance
Be wholistic
Avoid duality
Change is inevitable, roll with it
If it's important, it will be learned
Don't resist lest negativity persists
Don't judge anyone by his/her age
Always be willing to explain choices
Believe
Inspire by example
Be authentic
Live life for real
No abuse ~ verbal, physical, emotional
Peace in all interactions
Be respectful
Be compassionate
Understand that hopes, dreams & goals live within us all
Always listen with an open heart & mind
Accept that there aren't always “do-overs”
Limit multi-tasking
Be honest about mistakes, stupid choices & crabby times
Never be too proud to apologize
Always make the time
Laugh. A lot. Every day if possible. Hopefully many times a day.
Seek wisdom every day in every thing
Limit “no” to life-or-death emergencies
Forget phobias & childhood scares and LIVE
Love as purely as children love (look around the faults)
Keep eyes, mind & heart open for new experiences & adventures
Don't be swayed by others' disapproval, prejudices or ignorance
Be wholistic
Avoid duality
Change is inevitable, roll with it
If it's important, it will be learned
Don't resist lest negativity persists
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